Thursday, March 27, 2014

RaIny days

I live in Vancouver, and it's by far (in my opinion) one of the most beautiful cities. There's mountains, tree and beaches. You can go to the beach in the morning and be up in the mountains by the afternoon. We get to experience all 4 seasons and don't have brutal winters. Sounds too good to be true right? Well other than it's beauty, Vancouver is also known for rain. Yep, rain. We get a lot here. I was born and raised here so I'm used to the rain. I don't usually get too down when it rains, but I'm having a hard time with it lately.
All I want to do is get outside with the kids and go for a walk or play at the park. I have a serious case of cabin fever!
Like I said, I'm not usually bothered by the rain, but when you add a busy toddler to the mix it makes things tough.
Now I know we can go outside in the rain and we won't melt, but it's just been so miserable. And honestly I don't want my 2 month old getting cold and wet. My toddler on the other hand loves the rain.
Hmmmm...I think I've just solved my problem...all I need to do is suck it up, dress up my toddler in her muddy buddies, bundle up the baby and buy a new umbrella. There problem solved.
Plus, I'm sure it'll be sunny one day...soon!

Friday, March 14, 2014

Silence is golden... it??

This is a rare moment for me...I'm sitting in complete silence. We'll almost complete silence - the baby monitor is on and playing Disney lullabies. Other than that it's silent. Lauren is sleeping in her room and Olivia is sleeping in our room with my husband. I'm sure she'll wake up for a feeding soon.  It's kinda weird actually and like I said it's rare. Though it's nice to sit I almost miss the chaos.
Now I know I should be enjoying the peace and quiet, but I can't. There's a million things going through my head like how instead of sitting I should be:

  • cleaning the kitchen or living room
  • making bottles in case we need them during the night
  • getting ready for bed 
And the list goes on and on and on...

I've decided to sit and try and finish the coffee (it's decaf) I've been trying to drink for the last 6 hours. Now you'd think having this quiet time would be the perfect time to relax and space out, but I can't. I have too much on my mind. I'm feeling all kinds of guilt tonight, the worst kind of guilt too...mommy guilt.

I'm really hard on myself. I feel that I should be able to do it all. Take care of a baby and a busy toddler, keep the house clean and organized, have lunches and dinner made and ready to go and also take care of myself. Some days I am that person, but most days I'm not. I'm kinda ok with it, but not 100% ok with it.
 I'm working on not letting it bother me. It helps that my husband is super supportive and doesn't expect me to do everything alone.

I guess today I'm just having a down day today - which doesn't happen too often. Does that sound cocky? If it does, it's not meant to.

After having Lauren I lost about 45lbs then I got pregnant with Olivia and gained about 35lbs back. Gaining weight is no big deal to me. If I can gain it I can lose it. I'm not about being small - I'll never be small and I'm ok with that. I try to avoid words like skinny and fat. I feel that they are ugly and hurtful. One thing you'll never find me talking about or commenting on is a person's weight. It's just not necessary. End rant!
To me it's all about feeling comfortable, eating healthy and being a healthy, strong role model for my daughters.
But I'm at the post-partum stage where my maternity clothes are too big and my pre-pregnancy clothes are too small. So basically I feel uncomfortable all the time. I bought a few new things after baby was born, but I don't feel super comfortable in them.
Why am I telling you that? Because it leads us into...

Mommy Guilt #1 - I had this brilliant idea to start back on Weight Watchers a few weeks ago. My husband wasn't too keen on it for the simple reason that my milk supply is low (that's a whole other post!) and I've worked so hard to get my supply to where it is to screw it up. I don't know why I was so worried (or do I dare say obsessed?) about starting to lose the baby weight when really producing as much milk for the the baby is all that matters.  That being said, I'm postponing starting for another month or so. Don't get me wrong, I love Weight Watchers, I just think because of my situation with my milk supply, waiting is best. They even recommend not starting up for something like 12 weeks. So in the meantime, my plan is to eat healthy and maybe allow myself the occasional treat.

Mommy Guilt #2 - This is one that surfaces often. I don't feel like I spend enough time with my toddler. I mean  I spend all day and night with her, but I miss the one on one playtime. Our days go by so quickly, before I know it it's either nap time or lunch or time to start supper and then bath time and bed. She's showing a lot of negative attention getting behaviours. She's a very smart girl and knows how to get attention.
I was playing with her tonight and started feeling really bad that I don't have that much time to just sit and play. She's almost 2 and is so creative and is starting to enjoy pretend play. And she's hilarious already. I love that kid so much.
Now that I think of it, we actually have two special Mommy & Lauren activities - on Monday evenings we go grocery shopping and Saturday mornings we go to Mommy & Me Ballet. Both are super for her and me!

It's all about balance. I guess I just need to figure out a way to spend time with my girls both together and alone as well as still be  there for my husband and maintain my sanity.
Easy peasy right?...

Do I feel better or worse now that I've put how I'm feeling down on "paper"? I don't know. But I do know that tomorrow is a new day and all I can do is enjoy my family and try my hardest to be the best mom and wife I can be.

All in all, I'm pretty lucky - I have a great husband and two amazing daughters that I love and they love me too. And we have our health. Knowing that makes the worst day not so bad.

I finally finished my coffee and I'm going to bed!
But I just want to end with something I found the other day. I love this and need to remember it:

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

16 months later...

November 2012...that was a long time ago. That was the last time I wrote on here. I wrote about how busy things were because I had a very hungry active 4 month old baby. Well...a lot has happened in the last 16 months. My then 4 month old, Lauren, is a toddler - she's 20 months. She'll be 2 in July. How did that happen? She's by far THE coolest kid around. She's crazy busy, she loves climbing, books, animals, being outside and learning new things. She's very curious and never walks only runs. She's on the go all day long. Like I said she's crazy busy, but I wouldn't want her any other way. Oh, and she's also a big sister. Yep, we've added another member to our family. We are now part of the "Two Under Two" club.
On January 12, 2014 we had another sweet baby girl. Olivia is 2 months old today. And of course, she is THE coolest baby ever! She's like me...hungry all the time and it seems she likes to party between 12am and 2:30am every night (that was the old, before kids me).  I've come to terms with it now.
I hate to admit it, but when people told us time goes faster with two kids they were right. My newborn is no longer a newborn. She is a smiling, gurgling, rolling around, kicking 2 month old. And man is she cute!

So I've decided that this is where I should come during my late night/early morning feeds to help me stay awake. If there's nobody to talk to (At 4am Olivia doesn't really care what I have to say) I might as well write.

I guess it goes without saying that this blog will  now be about my life as a busy wife and mom of two busy girls and  how I try to keep it together. And of course all things related - pregnancy, kids, babies etc.