This is a rare moment for me...I'm sitting in complete silence. We'll almost complete silence - the baby monitor is on and playing Disney lullabies. Other than that it's silent. Lauren is sleeping in her room and Olivia is sleeping in our room with my husband. I'm sure she'll wake up for a feeding soon. It's kinda weird actually and like I said it's rare. Though it's nice to sit I almost miss the chaos.
Now I know I should be enjoying the peace and quiet, but I can't. There's a million things going through my head like how instead of sitting I should be:
- cleaning the kitchen or living room
- making bottles in case we need them during the night
- getting ready for bed
I've decided to sit and try and finish the coffee (it's decaf) I've been trying to drink for the last 6 hours. Now you'd think having this quiet time would be the perfect time to relax and space out, but I can't. I have too much on my mind. I'm feeling all kinds of guilt tonight, the worst kind of guilt too...mommy guilt.
I'm really hard on myself. I feel that I should be able to do it all. Take care of a baby and a busy toddler, keep the house clean and organized, have lunches and dinner made and ready to go and also take care of myself. Some days I am that person, but most days I'm not. I'm kinda ok with it, but not 100% ok with it.
I'm working on not letting it bother me. It helps that my husband is super supportive and doesn't expect me to do everything alone.
I guess today I'm just having a down day today - which doesn't happen too often. Does that sound cocky? If it does, it's not meant to.
After having Lauren I lost about 45lbs then I got pregnant with Olivia and gained about 35lbs back. Gaining weight is no big deal to me. If I can gain it I can lose it. I'm not about being small - I'll never be small and I'm ok with that. I try to avoid words like skinny and fat. I feel that they are ugly and hurtful. One thing you'll never find me talking about or commenting on is a person's weight. It's just not necessary. End rant!
To me it's all about feeling comfortable, eating healthy and being a healthy, strong role model for my daughters.
But I'm at the post-partum stage where my maternity clothes are too big and my pre-pregnancy clothes are too small. So basically I feel uncomfortable all the time. I bought a few new things after baby was born, but I don't feel super comfortable in them.
Why am I telling you that? Because it leads us into...
Mommy Guilt #1 - I had this brilliant idea to start back on Weight Watchers a few weeks ago. My husband wasn't too keen on it for the simple reason that my milk supply is low (that's a whole other post!) and I've worked so hard to get my supply to where it is to screw it up. I don't know why I was so worried (or do I dare say obsessed?) about starting to lose the baby weight when really producing as much milk for the the baby is all that matters. That being said, I'm postponing starting for another month or so. Don't get me wrong, I love Weight Watchers, I just think because of my situation with my milk supply, waiting is best. They even recommend not starting up for something like 12 weeks. So in the meantime, my plan is to eat healthy and
Mommy Guilt #2 - This is one that surfaces often. I don't feel like I spend enough time with my toddler. I mean I spend all day and night with her, but I miss the one on one playtime. Our days go by so quickly, before I know it it's either nap time or lunch or time to start supper and then bath time and bed. She's showing a lot of negative attention getting behaviours. She's a very smart girl and knows how to get attention.
I was playing with her tonight and started feeling really bad that I don't have that much time to just sit and play. She's almost 2 and is so creative and is starting to enjoy pretend play. And she's hilarious already. I love that kid so much.
Now that I think of it, we actually have two special Mommy & Lauren activities - on Monday evenings we go grocery shopping and Saturday mornings we go to Mommy & Me Ballet. Both are super for her and me!
It's all about balance. I guess I just need to figure out a way to spend time with my girls both together and alone as well as still be there for my husband and maintain my sanity.
Easy peasy right?...
Do I feel better or worse now that I've put how I'm feeling down on "paper"? I don't know. But I do know that tomorrow is a new day and all I can do is enjoy my family and try my hardest to be the best mom and wife I can be.
All in all, I'm pretty lucky - I have a great husband and two amazing daughters that I love and they love me too. And we have our health. Knowing that makes the worst day not so bad.
I finally finished my coffee and I'm going to bed!
But I just want to end with something I found the other day. I love this and need to remember it: